Down but not out

Finally I had to resort to this:



After trying to solve the problem of gathering enough money to pay for this semester's fees, I had to admit defeat. Yesterday, 2 days after the closing date to pay the fees, I applied for a leave for this semester.

Unfortunately, since I already had passed the final date of 4 February, 2010 imposed by Bendahari UiTM to all students, I was declared "GUGUR TARAF" or GT. This means I am no longer a student, and cannot apply for sabbatical leave. The call from UiTM really taken me aback, after 8 semesters of slogging, I am no longer a student. However, Puan Shamsiah asked me to appeal for a reinstatement, THEN only apply for the sabbatical.

I have attended the first 2 seminars for this semester, conducted a presentation, sat for a test, argued with Professors, prepared for my assignment submission, but now have to sit back and watch my colleagues go on with the course. Very sad day indeed.

I don't blame anyone for this, but myself for putting too much confidence on my recovery in business to be able to pay in time for this semester. If I had known, I wouldn't even register for the two papers. Well, if I had known, I would have scraped, steal or beg, and horde away the smallest morsels of RM for me to pay the fees. For some RM696.00 is just a weekend spending at KLCC or Pavillion, but for me, that could be 2 or 3 month's income. Such are the perils of running your own business. No money, no business, no business, no money..

Don't say "why don't you borrow the money from relatives or friends or even me?" I have borrowed enough, I have inconvenienced many, I may have offended some for even asking, and I am not going to beg. I used to pay for some relatives' education, give pocket money without the parent's knowledge, just to ensure they can study in peace, for their future. I wish someone would return the favor, but apparently they are deaf, mute and dumb. I was not even invited for their graduation, so I understand..

Now, all I can do is to be patient, work harder, sleep less, be stingy, be uncaring of others, be compassionate-less, and be tough. This is just a small hurdle in my quest for education.

Prof. Madya Dr. Syed Abdul Jamal Nasir, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I know you are eager to see my proposal papers. I know you put great hopes on me by the way you really scrutinize my test papers. I enjoyed our banter, arguments and discussions for education sake. I'll be back, and that's a promise.

Prof. Madya Hajah Nor Afizah, you'll be missing the person who always gives you the "real world" outlook to what you are teaching. I hope you like my presentation, I volunteered to be the first, to set an example for my fellow students as to what a product presentation should look like.

To my colleagues, I know I promised to work with you guys to produce our proposal, and it is still a promise. I'll help you guys to do a good proposal, even though it means nothing to me as my name would not be on it. I'm not running away, I just have to stand back a bit to let this mishap pass..

As Mr. Arnold SusahNakEja said in one of the Terminator movies "I'LL BE BACK!"

Being Human Being

We human (homo sapiens) can only see light and colors between 380nm to 740nm (nanometers)wavelength which is the spectrum of colors ranging from red to violet.

We also recognise the existence of a broader spectrum on the extreme ends of the spectrum - InfraRed and UltraViolet; which we cannot see without special equipment to convert the color into something we can perceive.

Our ear can only hear the wavelength of sound between 20Hz and 20kHz, but over time, as we grow older we lose the ability to hear the topmost and bottom-most frequencies. It is proven that although we cannot hear the wavelength higher than 20kHz, ECG readout have shown that human body perceive the higher decibels through other senses - skin, hair, eyeball, etc.

Instruments can detect the higher or lower ends of the sound "spectrum", albeit to a certain extreme level. Sounds are vibrations that travels through air, through the continuous vibrations of the air molecules. The denser the air, the better it travels. Which explains why sound waves travels faster through water.

There are other senses that we were granted, sense of touch, taste, pain, acceleration, balance, thermal and kinetic. Most of these senses we utilise everyday without thinking or needing to invoke it from thoughts.

We acknowledge the existence of invisible spectrum of light, sounds and other perceivable levels of wavelength. Yet, it is difficult for us to accept the fact that there are Allah's creations that we cannot see. We go from planet to planet to find the evidence of "life", yet we are looking for the "normal" life that we know.

We look for water without which "life" cannot exist.
We look for structures which would mean "life" existed.
We look for creatures, microbes, carbon-based "life".

Who are we to dictate what "life" is? Life could be existing in a different time frame, like the "invisible" long time a tree took to grow, while we whizz around in the "tree-time" as the tree see us.

Life could be silica based, or light based or even fire based, as Allah has said in Al-Quran that malaikat were made of light, and satan or iblis made of fire. Life could be whizzing unseen around us while we move around in our "tree-time". Life could be existing in a light wavelength of 1800nm, communicating at 301kHz, moving around at "walking speed" of 380km/h.

We are so arrogant, and obtuse to acknowledge such possibilities. We refuse to respect that Allah is All Knowing and All Powerful. We went around in our arrogance telling everyone that life cannot exist in the Sun or Saturn or Neptune because it's too hot, or molten, or too cold. Masya'Allah, don't be too quick to dismiss Allah the Creator. Don't be too quick to dismiss things we barely understand.

For a start, we should open our senses, open our minds and open our hearts. Respect the life Allah has revealed around us, and learn from what we can see, touch and sense. Accept the fact that we humans are not that clever, or intelligent to figure out everything Allah has created. Be aware of other possibilities, other existence, other plane of time, sense and sight, strive to learn what Allah has revealed to us in Al-Quran. We are, after all, His servant, and His first words to all Mankind in Al-Quran is "Read"..

Questions and answers

Why do we in this family have to suffer from our infancy till our adulthood, and then some more? Why do some people have the easy way over everything and some others had to suffer?
Is God that cruel?
Is God that unfair?
Is God deliberately picking on us, bullying us for someone’s past sin, or current sin?

My former boss used to say, “Nobody promised you a fair life, so live with it..” Yeah, rite..
I’d love to say the same words in his face when he is down in the dumps, or when something unfortunate happens to him or his family, or his Porsche, or his Mercs..

I guess working hard to live has some virtue, and some rewards. We build stronger bodies hauling 20-foot 4”x4” pole on our shoulders from Bangunan Abu Kassim to Jalan Semangka, via Jalan Ubi as a 13-year old. We build stronger muscles carrying 2x50lit. for 2kms everyday from the stand-pipe before school. We build better survival skills from all the fishing using hand lines, the crab catching using tree branches, the clam digging using clam shells. We had to work hard to get every ringgit, during school holidays and any other day.

So God is not too bad, making us work hard for our keep, building us up as He goes along. He builds character, builds the personality, the person, the experience, so we can be a better person in our later lives.

But how is it fair when some people don’t have to do all those, never lifted a finger during their teen years, enjoys all the fine things in life, goes to the library every weekend, tuition for every subject, wears nice clothes, new shoes every first day of school – yet they ended up much better in life. Why don’t they suffer like us too? They go through university, with scholarship, no need to worry of fees, accommodation, or food, or books or paper or whatever. Some has the privilege to study overseas, came back with jobs waiting, no worries.

I’m not bitter, I’m not upset.

Nor am I unhappy with what have been given to me. On the contrary, I’m blessed to be living this life, albeit all the hardship I am going through. I just want to have more comprehension of all these unfairness.

Is it really necessary O God?
Is it not enough for God to make us suffer when we are younger, He has to make us suffer now too?
What did we do or did not do, or what did our fathers or forefathers did for us to deserve this?

Thank you God for all You have provided for me and my family, You are indeed The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

Please O God, shield our eyes away from the easy life, abundance and the glad tidings that You have granted to Your other subjects in spite of their riaq, their apparent sins; so we can be less envious, spend more for the unfortunate, rather than spend more to keep up with the Joneses. Open our eyes to the means and opportunities and ways for us to improve our lives, the best and halal way.

We know You are not going to drop gold and silver out of the skies, all the riches would not pay for the roof and gutters repair bill… We’ll look for them ourselves, just point us the way, and help us along.. thank you..

Stepping into the void..

Harold Lloyd did it and survived. This is my first step into blogging and I don't know how I would fare. This is just like stepping out into the void, some idiots survived, some clever ones would strap a parachute on before doing it. I have no parachute, tho I have been dreaming of sky-diving ever since I was a wee dick, so I guess I'm one of the idiots or "Goblok".

New year seems to create some sense of beginning in many people, and not all would carry the beginning till the end. "Hangat-hangat taik ayam" like the Malay proverb says, just like the freshly expunged chicken excrement, the warmth doesn't last long.

I do hope I will keep on blogging. Just don't expect the nice, beautiful, flowery, insightful blog from me, I'll just fire away..